Writing is so hard
I don't know why I started a blog because writing is so hard. I haven't written something for my blog in ages so every word I type evokes a scratchy, unstable emotion in me. Is this.... writer's block? Holy shit.
I have a great idea for a blog post-- about how I hate giving and receiving gifts. It's relatable but just controversial enough that I don't attract too much attention. But I just can't get the words to come out. Everything sounds horrible. Why? Maybe I am lying... My words are trying to impress rather than represent how I feel and what I think.
This is what happens when I start writing-- ok first, let's go on the bear blog dashboard. Ughh every word makes me wanna gag. Ok don't look at your words. Go to the Most Dangerous Writing app and start there. Alright, here we go..... Let me start with a story because that's the best way to get someone to sympathize with my privileged first-world problem. Ok... so I woke up at 7am and brushed my teeth. No start later, no one cares that you brushed your teeth. Ok, Sunday was Deepawali and my family went to my boyfriend's house and his mom gave me a small black box. Nope, that sounds like he's asking me to marry him and I hate the ring ðŸ˜.... Ok, let's start with my parents trying to decide a gift... Fuck it, my words disappeared.
See how hard it is?! That's why I don't write. I can't help but (don't use this cliche) cringe at myself.
My life is totally fine without introducing the craft (or torture?) or writing into it. I live in a beautiful house, have a job that I love, have a partner that I love, and overall, things are good. And so, I have nothing to write about. (Tbh I don't want things to write about if they'll change my serene utopia). Why do I need to write? Who fucking cares?
People say it's "good for you" like exercising, and meditating. It'll clear your mind they say. It'll help you make friends who are similarly minded they say. I do want some more similarly-minded friends.
I have a real blog-- that I made with HTML, CSS, Javascript, blood, sweat, and tears. But my coworkers read it and I really care about their opinion of me because I respect them so much. My friends also read it and I hate being **** seen ****. That's why I don't write there.
But here, no one knows me. So I can write the filthiest garbage and no one would care, I guess.
Whatever. That's not the point. The point is writing is hard. And it's made much harder by people who write beautifully and people who tell me to write online. Don't tell me to "just do it" when the "do it" is Shakespearean iambic pentameter (fuck you assholes).
Anyway, I want to write more and I want to write more to get people to love me. I am captive to the idea of being revered and loved by people. And I want to write more on my HTML, CSS, Javascript, Blood, Sweat, and Tears blog so people know that that's me and I can make actual friends and my coworkers and other people look at my blog and think "damn she's so intelligent and eloquent. I wanna be friends with her". But again, that's not how a meaningful relationship is built. It's built through vulnerability. (It's like I know that smoking is bad for me but I smoke anyway)
So here's my plan... word vomit here. Things I actually like in my actual blog. It's a cop-out. I know. Life ain't a dress rehearsal. This is it. So fucking write on your actual blog. Don't be a coward. But I am a coward. I can't get my shit together. So yeah, that's what we'll do. Word vomit here (Sorry to Bear for starting a landfill of crappy words).
I will end this word vomit now. It's not that serious. Just relax and write every day and I guess things will be fine and maybe even good?