A response to Pprr from 2 months ago
Two months ago, in the foggy midst of wedding planning, I wrote this to post anonymously on Reddit. I was extremely sad and frustrated by how things were going. I eventually decided not to post it because I didn't want advice like "leave your husband" that Redditors would inevitably leave, sinking me further into the despair I was in.
I wanted to reflect on my wedding now that it's about 1.5 months in the past and found this post. What better way to reflect than to respond?
So, here's my response to Pprr from 2 months ago:
I'm (29F) getting married in a month. While this should be a happy period, I can't stop stressing over the details. My parents are quite easygoing with the traditions and planning process, while his (29M) parents are beyond controlling. Although we're both from similar cultures, they are adamant about every tiny detail of the ceremony and reception. More than enjoying the moment, I am grieving the costs and the mental stress for the past year that wedding planning has given me.
We have been in a relationship for 5 years and haven't had issues with family pressure until last year.
His mom is being super annoying with everything. For eg, she was arguing about allowing me to have a separate walk into the ballroom with my uncle. According to her, I stop at the door and have my fiancé walk me in the rest of the way. While all this might seem like small details, I'm not willing to compromise on certain aspects of the wedding ceremony.
I would give up control and let them do whatever they please, but I have spent a significant amount of my own money on the wedding. My parents have to,o and I feel like the rituals they want to see aren't being reflected.
The thing that makes this harder is that this wedding is in the US, and it's been super expensive to cater to all her wishes. They weren't realistic about the costs while planning (which my fiance and I curbed significantly), and a few months ago, they were complaining about how expensive everything has been (his mom is taking the food costs, my parents the venue costs, and I the other stuff -- DJ, decorator, photographer, etc). Also, unlike Indian weddings, weddings here need to be planned meticulously to avoid going over the 4-hour time slot.
This sort of back and forth has been happening for over a year. It started with finding dates for the wedding. She was super particular about finding the right auspicious date. This wouldn't be an issue except for the fact that it moved our wedding date 1.5 years after our engagement. She has been particular about everything-- the dates, the venue (which cost us $20k more), the dresses, the return gifts...
The reason they're behaving this way is bc my fiance is the only boy in the family. It's their first wedding, and they believe they won't be able to have a wedding for his sister bc of complicated issues. Also, whenever I tell them my wishes, they tell me that they had no say in their wedding at all. I don't know what to do with that information.
My partner has been supportive in shielding me from his parents, but they are so stubborn about how the wedding should run. It has put quite a strain on my relationship with his family and with him.
Overall, I can't wait to end this wedding planning and be on the other side and finally be able to focus on my life without all this input. I'm really hoping this level of involvement is just happening bc of the wedding and won't continue beyond marriage.
I've been feeling quite upset about the way things have turned out. I was hoping this would be a fun (although slightly stressful) process, but it has been joyless.
Has anyone else dealt with this sort of involvement with their in-laws, and how do you deal with it? How do I retain joy for this last month? I'm slightly worried about what this level of involvement now tells us about their level of involvement in our lives in the future
I wrote this about two months ago, and looking back on the other side of the fence, here is what I would say: fuck his family, and fuck everyone else making this about themselves. You are handling this situation beautifully, and I am so proud of everything you have done. There is truly no better way you could've handled this situation. There are several worse ways, and I am proud of you for not devolving into those avenues like the others have.
You cannot make everyone happy. They are choosing to be unhappy about everything, and that's their problem. Life is unfair for everyone, but inflicting your pain on other people doesn't reduce it. That's what they're all doing. They went through a lot of pain, so they're surprised by how you won't tolerate it. That's not your problem. Looking back at the wedding video, you will realize how unhappy some people truly are, and there's nothing you can do about it. Relax and leave them to deal with their own problems. They're all adults and have lived longer than you have.
You want things to be happy for you, but you won't be because you care too much about what other people think. Once you let that go, you will truly be free. This is easy to say, but with enough repetitions of not giving a fuck, you will learn to relax and be in tune with your breath and your inner light. This wedding is the most stressful event you have planned and will be part of. So, give yourself grace for making some mistakes. Sometimes, you won't be happy either, and that's ok. Choose to relax and don't spiral. Don't fall into despair.
There is truly no "right" way to do this or anything in life. People insisting that there's a right and wrong way are just being egotistical and stubborn. They're projecting what they wanted to see onto your wedding and expecting you to be grateful for things you don't care about. You don't have to change anything about yourself or anything about how you're doing things. There are just easier and harder ways to do things and consequences for actions. No right and wrong.
Over the fence, after being married, you will realize that you have more control than you realize. You don't need to do anything you don't want to, and truly, the world becomes your oyster. You can focus on work clearly, think about creating nonprofits, join ClassPass, become the fittest version of yourself, and realize all your dreams. You can create as much or as little space as you want with other people and overall live a happy, eventful life. No one is stopping you.
Just know that I am proud of you. You are doing amazing, and you truly couldn't have done this better. Try not to think too many negative thoughts. Relax the muscles in your face, keep a slight smile, go on your runs, and enjoy the reception-- you will have so much fun (even more than you are imagining right now)! You will feel so blissful the next day, waking up next to your husband smiling at you, knowing that you will NEVER have to plan your wedding again, and with Ni in the room (LOL, I won't spoil this subplot for you). You will feel grateful for your friends, sister, uncle, and aunt, and life will be so beautiful. You will feel a small jolt of happiness every time you call him your husband and every time he calls you his wife. You will finally feel free and have the space to focus on your life. And everyone else won't affect your life unless you let them. You can choose everything.
So yeah, choose to smile always. Life is good.