A rant about my family's attitude towards my upcoming engagement
My partner (who I will refer to as R for the rest of the post) and I are trying to get engaged this year by April. We have discussed everything about it-- the ring budget, the location (mostly -- the specifics are supposed to be a surprise for me), and how to let the parents know. In the "Western model" of doing this, I think the couple invites their families to a dinner or a house party and lets them know. However, since we're both Indian, we are loosely following the Indian model: the girl's family visits the guy's family and requests them to take the girl as their daughter-in-law. I am overall disgusted by the inequality apparent in this tradition but since it's going to be loosely followed and we were invited to lunch anyway, and I don't have the energy to fight every single instance of patriarchy, I am going along with it.
My parents are stressed with how to address them since they're ✨from the boy's side✨-- what should we say? what should we get them? I hope they're not upset by our behavior!. It's exhausting. And to top it all off, my dad and I have been having this recurring conversation: He wants me to push to try to live with my I's family. For context, R's mom is a single mother looking after his grandparents and his autistic sister. She has been doing this for 18 years now and seems more than capable. Both R and his mother are totally opposed to the idea of me living with them. My dad, however, thinks that they are just saying this to not upset me. R's and my plan is to live solely as a couple for a couple of years and then support them if they need it. Also, this whole living arrangement is hinged on where R gets into residency. If R gets into a program far away from his parents this whole discussion is useless.
I have talked to both R and his mom about this and yet my dad isn't satisfied. He believes that my life and labor is a token of charity he can give away to another family. Overall, I am livid at my dad because he isn't willing to actually listen to me. He doesn't understand the amount of work I would take upon my living with another family because he has never been expected to do it! My mom understands me and leaves the decision up to G and I. But my dad has brought up this conversation at least 4 times already.
I am also upset because my parents don't seem excited about engagements or weddings. They are excited that I am getting married but not by the actual process. It's as if they are ok with letting me go and want to do it as fast and cheaply as possible. Whenever wedding plans come up, all they say is "let's see what R's family wants and do that". What do _you_ want?!!
Maybe this isn't the case and they're just nervous about everything. But I am disappointed that they are not by my side-- which I don't think is asking too much from your parents.